grief and loss | Moments

In my last blog on hearing and hearing loss, I mentioned how a lot of what most of us actually “hear” is with our eyes. We unconsciously add to our sound hearing with context and even lip reading and intonation. I would quote proportions and give a reference if I could find it again. Oh well, I csan’t. Tonight I went to see The Lego Movie at the advice of my son, Nicholas. Lego characters do not really move their lips, right? During the first few minutes, until the story line was established, I thought it might turn out to be a worthless venture with my comprehension being about 70%. Once we were about 5 minutes into the movie, I could much more clearly “hear” the characters’ lines–because I had characters and story line. It was a very interesting verification of what I had read, tonight experienced first hand.

That brings me to the –drum roll and trumpet blasts–hearing aids. I opted for the ones recommended, that sit in the ear and supposedly do a great job of not magnifying surrounding sounds and would work for work, which for me means 1) hearing soft spoken people in meetings, 2) being in group sessions and hearing various people, and 3) using the tools of my trade: the stethoscope. Of course I also hoped that the car radio could be at a lower volume and that dining in loud noisy restaurants would be easier.

They get a grade of D+ -maybe- except in one crucial area they get an F and therefore will not work. I feel like the princess and the pea.

1. In the car: Wow, I can hear all the other cars and my car’s quirky noises. Cool. But I cannot turn down the radio volume. If anything I need it louder to hear over all the “new” noises I can hear.

2. Small groups at work: not yet tested.

3. Restaurants: I used to love eavesdropping on tables near me. I am happy to report that capacity might be back with the aids! Hearing my dinner companions however is not improved at all. Like the car radio, the indiscriminate pick up of the microphones does not make the near and dear clearer. Do I want to eavesdrop or do I want to be part of the dinner conversation at my table?

4. And the final: I can hear NOTHING of the heart with my stethoscope and lung sounds are 90% blunted. So this aid will not work and will be returned.

I know there are some that apparently filter better and they had downsides that left them not recommended (I cannot remember why).

We would think that the technology that is out there would have this figured out. I am back to the drawing board, trying to do my part to do my share of the conversations in my life. It is not so simple as just go get a hearing aid.

While swimming this morning, I was thinking about these recent weeks. They mark the anniversaries I mentioned earlier in the week and my father died this week 17 years ago. My brother-in-law died last month and a friend (the dad, grandpa, father-in-law, and husband to close friends) died this month. Swimming is a good place to be with myself, quiet and undistracted. From reflecting on the lives of those on my mind, I moved to questions about how we live. How is it that we keep on keeping on? that we get up and keep going? I alluded to it in yesterday’s post. It is more central on my mind today.

Two strangers suffered a similar loss. Armen’s son Alex and a few years later Nancy’s daughter Rachel died. A mutual friend introduced them and Armen became a guide and mentor with Nancy after Rachel’s death. As they wrote and exchanged thoughts and feelings, each was drawn deeper into this land we call grief. They became close friends and their writings became a book I recommend you buy: Griefland: An Intimate Portrait of Love, Loss and Unlikely Friendship.

Nancy and I had corresponded in a web-based support group over the few years before Rachel’s death. In 2009, I showed her a picture of a doll I made in a workshop based on the work of Marita Dingus.

I did not have knowledge of some cultures’ beliefs about dragonflies when I put one on my doll, but I liked it even more when I learned the symbolism. Nancy asked me to make a doll for Armen as a thank you for her presence in Nancy’s life. She mentioned she would like one too. They each sent me a few items that were meaningful artifacts in their families. Nancy wanted each to have a dragonfly.

When the dolls were complete, I explained them to both women:

Armen, I have never met you. Your friend Nancy describes you as passionate, a gypsy at heart, deep, powerful. She asked me to make you a dragonfly doll and yours is my second in a series of three. Thank you for shepherding and sharing this journey with Nancy. Having held the artifacts you gave to Nancy, there are ways I feel I know you. When I look at the photo of earlier days, I see the connection among the four of you. Your traveling cross and your passport express other components of your spirit.

I imagined a wild gypsy for you at first and the picture that I had in my mind was actually the doll that I made. When I look at your veiled dancer now however, she looks more subtle and gentle. She is the gypsy, the carrier or holder of your story, as much as another could represent it. She is clothed in layers that can swirl or hide. She is complex. If she is a carefree gypsy, she is also a tender soul who can hold much in her softness for those whom she loves. Your dragonfly is made from Swarovski crystals. Crystals should refract light to show a rainbow: many colors, many symbols in many cultures. Your doll would embrace the variety, which for me mean life and hope and beauty. When you look at the inside of the cape, it becomes obvious that the story is yours. The cape is held down, weighted, grounded by the two beads that are bone, raising your friend’s question of where do the bones go?

The lizard on your shoulder is for Alex, who loved lizards. The mother and two children: Danielle and her two and of course, you and your two, all linked to each other. The ring is for your many years with your husband. The weights at the edge of the cape are also for your connection to writing, to Setrakian and Sorayan. The key, from Rachel, is what keys are, both the means to open and move through, and also the reminder that we do not have to do these walks alone. You are the living demonstration of this in your friendship with Nancy.

The heart is within the key; no key functions outside of our hearts. There are two word notations, “peace” and “&”. You live in words; may they bring you peace. The “&” is an inclusive word. Your cross is of course for your travels, and for my wish that many jeweled adventures lay ahead. For this walk, you need boots; Nancy felt shoes were a key symbol for you both. That they are boots is my touch: they do work, they touch dirt, they kick when necessary. There is a bit of imaginary cowgirl in me. We also share the material in your doll’s veil; my doll has the same fabric as a cape. Both yours and Nancy’s dolls have the same fabric in their capes, reversed.

Nancy, your doll is the Lady in Red. This was your stretch, and for us, always remembering to stretch will help keep us sane. That we have never met is really rather amazing when I think about our connection. Making these dolls was a treat for me. Because of your request, I could know you better. Your dragonfly is like an amulet, a shield, beaded with the colors of earth and fire, the counterpoints for this insect that lives between air and water. It is fastened with the button from your youth, because those years are the template from which you have grown. It emerges from your paisley fabric, linking you further to your past. It is fringed to represent a talis for whatever form your spirituality takes.

As with Armen’s doll, the inside of the cape is where your family tree lives, showing that the doll is the keeper of your story. I picked a quote from Saroyan’s book Where the Bones Go, because really, this project came to be in large part because of Rachel bringing you to Armen.

Your dragonfly doll is regal and proud and unbound. She strikes me as a protector who can stand tall, feel everything, living in her domain, not constrained by tradition or dictum. Jessica’s cameo is on your skirt. Do you and Jessica know that cameos are seen as a vow of love, sometimes given to travelers? Josh’s Aztec cross can be another talisman, protecting you from evil. Rachel’s Mama Bear icon became part of Rachel’s key, because how she saw you and your heart will be part of your discovery as you use your key. The beads then encircle you and thread connects the three siblings to your heart. The heart on your doll is one from a pair of earrings; the other one is on my doll, as our hearts are linked. And of course, there are two keys; you have one and Armen has one. Your word is grace. You also live in words and your journey is rich with grace. The “&” is inclusive; do you remember in seminar hearing how “but” negates and “and” expands? You told me shoes were very important. The boots are my touch. Boots do work, they walk through shit, and they kick when necessary.